Always
by Osa P
Summary: While Yusuke, Hiei, and Kurama are at the Makai tournament, Kuwabara finally gets the courage to do something he's always wanted to do. warnings: blood, death, gore, rape, yusukexkuwabara


Always

It was simple enough, I think, to kill them all. I'd wanted to deep down, I really had. I'd always wanted to spill their blood on a patch of virgin ground. To, in a sense, create my own crucifixion grounds. The thoughts had lurked at the back of my mind for years on end, just at the very surface but never quite crossing over. I have to say I was surprised when I finally rid myself of their image.

People often think terrible things, but they never act on their wicked desires or troublesome whims. I did. And I'm proud.

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4 years ago my best friend died. I wasn't there when it happened and I think that kind of plays a part in the development of our friendship. I was surprised that he'd felt enough compassion to save a child in exchange for his life. I think I was more surprised that he didn't survive the accident seeing as I'd tried to beat him into a bloody pulp for years but never succeeded. That's when we weren't friends, of course.

After his death and rebirth I finally admitted to myself as well as all those around us that he was my best friend. My only true friend really. I amend that by saying that I've always been compassionate and friendly towards people explaining that my psuedo-gang was nothing more than that. I never really felt a deep connection to them. Not the deep blood curdling tie that I felt with Yusuke.

By the grace or spite of God, our bonds deepened enormously over the course of a year. We fought together side by side, taking down the bad guys like a regular super hero duo. Just me and my best friend. To the end. Always. There were times during that year when I was positive that one of us would have died, but we never did. We lived on after each encounter with an enemy far too strong for us and we became stronger for it.

Then the other two decided to enter our perfect little world. I'm not saying that it was perfect by Martha Stewart standards, oh no. Had I been following the good-house keeping guru's rules for living I'd have found out my life sucked more than anything. To me, it was perfect.

It was the human-hating demon and the fox turned honors student that found us. I can't say that I liked them at first now that I have a more objective point of view about the whole situation. My dislike for the short one was quite obvious seeing as how he'd wanted to kill me from day one and spread my essence across the city, but for the fox it was a bit different. He was smart, charming, sympathetic, self-righteous. All very good qualities to have if you were to ask any person on the street. However, I couldn't stand that. In the beginning I thought his attitude and seemingly sweet disposition was a cheaply drawn mask and nothing more. Why would he of all people, or demons rather, turn over a new leaf.

At the time I had believed in 'once a killer, always a killer'. That was the first time that 'always' got me in trouble. See, no one ever knew about our rocky start and even less knew about the incident in between missions. I had been out in the woods, a bit too close to dark it seemed. How was I supposed to differentiate between a demon aura and the normal onslaught of ghost that I was faced with? At the time my spirit awareness was nowhere near where it is today. The demon launched itself at me and was hell bent on killing me and/or taking my soul to use as it's plaything. Had I been alone that evening I knew for a fact that I wouldn't escape unscathed, but the fox had appeared and deflected his attacks. He beat at the demon rather mercilessly at first, using that whip of his, but he never did kill the thing. The retired fox demon actually took the demon to our superior for proper punishment.

It was then that I realized he had in fact changed for the better. That was the day I vowed to always give any being, human, demon, or otherwise, the benefit of the doubt. It was also on that day that I formed a strong bond with the fox, not because he saved my life but because he had gained the compassion to save a life and the restraint not to take one.

It wasn't too long after firmly accepting the two into our small group that our bonds were tested by the hands of 4 demon-beast. We all almost lost our lives at one point and it didn't help that the half ice half fire demon's loyalties had yet to be fully tested. It wouldn't have been a surprise had we all turned our backs on him and the words I shouted about him being a traitor seemed totally valid. However, the fox had managed to instill a nearly unbreakable trust in my team despite shady past or behavior. I wasn't surprised when he pulled through for us at the very last moment, automatically earning some measure of respect from me.

After that mission came the first tournament. The tournament I was allowed to participate in. During those long, seemingly endless days our friendship was tested the most. There are very few times in the years we've known each other that I can say I felt inseparable from them, truly tightly bonded. Those times will always stay deeply imbedded into my memories, each special and a little bit different. We shared many emotions there, from desperation, to anger, to sorrow, to drive. It was all very dramatic, almost too dramatic like on a TV show. But it was real and we all felt it. How could we not when we had to bury a mentor and a friend on that blasted island?

Things slowed down a bit after that, some lag time in between missions or any major occurrences. Trouble never seemed to leave us alone, though, and next thing I knew we were all being attacked and I was kidnapped. What happened after that I can't always be sure of because I missed a great deal of the adventure that time. All I can remember is me screaming at our villain of the moment not to kill my best friend. I remember my best friend being shot and dieing right before my eyes. It was as thought the tournament was playing all over again, but instead my good friend was in my place and he wasn't faking. I thought my soul had been ripped in two at that moment and at that point my memories start to blur. Too much seemed to happen at once. Too many emotions landing their blows at my abused psyche. I know I began to think clearly again after finding my dear friend to be alive. I couldn't manage to express all the joy and surprise and relief I felt in that moment and I doubt it could ever be recreated. There's nothing like knowing you can live another day because a certain special person is there with you.

Of course, he was taken away from me again soon after that. Some tournament came up of which only demons could attend and him having achieved his demon status from the previous battle, he had to go. Having him leave me for what I consider the third time in my life was hard to say the least and his departure left a deep impression on me. All three of my team mates, my comrades, were gone for about a year, leaving me with little to do in their absence. I did a lot of thinking during that time as well as changing. I do believe it was during their year of absence that I realized just how much I loved my best friend. I would have liked to say, at the time, that my love for him was only a side-effect of our friendship, but that's what a whole year of thinking is for. There was plenty of time for me to realize my true feelings and sort out any issues I had in preparation for his return.

Too much time to think actually. I had so much time that thoughts entirely out of character for me began to surface. Thoughts of lust and violence. I wasn't very comfortable with them at first, but after visiting with a shrink of my own free will I learned that it was just natural for someone of my age to have an occasional murderous thought or wet dream or something. I just accepted that fact for a good long while figuring that the experts know best.

I wasn't really fazed at all when the thoughts of lust became centric about my best friend. It made sense after all since I had already admitted to myself that I truly loved him. It didn't bother me when the dreams, visions, and feelings almost took on a kinky feel to them. I endured these feelings for months and months, never worrying about them, not until I killed him. The first dream in which I killed him I woke up in a cold sweat, my eyes probably impossibly wide, and my mind at a dead halt with the question 'why?' as my only thought. I was more than disgusted with myself at that moment wondering how I could ever dream such a thing.

After a long talk with my sister, however, I amended that it was a fluke and that it wasn't necessarily me killing him. I'd always been very attune with the spirit world and I'd been known to have telling visions. That did nothing to make me worry less about his safety, but I was able to find little to no fault in my self. When the dreams continued I kept convincing myself that it was a vision of some type or a warning sign for things to come. I believed the same thing when the dreams incorporated the fox and the short demon, both of them dieing horribly. Just another faze. Just another part of me being a normal angsty teenager.

I was able to keep up the silly facade for a month or two. That was around the time when the dreams stopped being so and began to integrate with my daily thoughts. It's that time when you're subconscious and your conscious mind meet and all your thoughts seem to mend together. I would be in the middle of an exam at school and an image would pop up of my good buddy horribly disfigured and, as usual, dead. Or I could have been talking to my sister and a short scene of the caustic demon kicking the proverbial bucket would play out at the forefront of my mind. I could have been training at the old lady's place and the fox demon would appear just as violently killed as the other two. I never did tell anyone about that. I always figured that it was just another phase I was going through, another step down the path to becoming a full fledged man.

I learned to ignore the visions too, quite content with my original analysis of the whole thing as well as my sister's and the shrink's. I'd always been a little awkward anyway, how could a few spells of phantasmagoria change a person's path in life. I had vowed years ago to always follow the honor code I'd developed myself and killing my friends didn't fall under it. Thinking this way became a necessary comfort for me, reminding myself every time I had one of these disturbances that I could never do such a thing.

I think it was about a month before my friends and teammates returned when I heard the voices. I was a bit shocked, to say the least, the first time I heard a whispered phrase in my mind. Honestly, I was downright scared. I knew for a fact that only crazy people and prophets, which have often been seen as the same thing, heard voices. But I think I could have accepted an occasional random voice. What I couldn't handle was a snide voice, sounding very similar to my own, telling me to kill my friends the next time I laid eyes on them. It was definitely one thing to be crazy and another thing to be just plain sadistic and I thought I was falling under the second column for a time. Of course I think much differently now, but that's besides the point. All that mattered was that then I began to doubt myself. There was, after all, only so many times a person could fool themselves, and I'd reached my limit.

Over the next month my thoughts were constantly barraged with little inklings all along the lines of ripping out an organ or two and decimating what was left of my friends bodies when I was done. The visions and dreams of course had yet to cease all together forcing me to believe that I truly would kill my friends. Worse yet, I thought the voices in my head were mine. They are mine. By the end of that one life-altering month I had realized my true nature. I was a killer. Always had been and always will be.

I guess I'd always thought about killing someone from the time I was very little to maybe an hour or two ago. It'd been in my blood after all. My parents weren't the greatest of characters despite what my naive older sister says. She only defends them because she'd grown more attached. I hadn't known them like she did, but I knew them long enough to understand what they considered making a living. Going about at night and killing innocents in the streets and tossing them into the back of their van for safe keeping. Eventually they'd dump the poor bastards at a hospital some where out of the way and move on to their next group. Don't ask me who the freak was who decided to pay them, but I thank him nevertheless. Had it not been for him I would have always lived a lie, never realizing my true potential.

I have always been this way and there's no changing that.

Today marks the end of a fortnight since my dearest friends and team mates returned from their demon tournament. What a day it was. But I haven't finished my retelling of the last days of their lives. I find it crucial to not leave out important details, it always comes back to bite you in the butt.

When they arrived back I was ecstatic. I do believe the first thing I did was run up to my good buddy and hug him for all he was worth. I think he was half surprised and half grateful that I did so. He, of course didn't know about my decision to move from just best friend to boyfriend, but I figured I'd tell him as soon as I got him alone. Imagine my surprise when that girl came up and kissed him. I wasn't exactly too thrilled about that but I knew better. He didn't love her like she thought. Not that I was presumptuous to say that he loved me, but I knew for a fact it wasn't her.

It was later that evening when, yes, I did find him alone underneath a tree near the old woman's place. I came up to him and took a seat by him, close enough to touch him but I didn't. We stared off into space for a little while, neither of us looking at each other, and next thing I knew I was being firmly embraced by him. He whispered that he missed me and I replied in kind. We sat there in silence for while, his arm nestled over my shoulders and my head steadily tilting closer to his body. I admit that I was tired that day and the feel of his body was nice. I don't remember exactly when my fucked up mind had decided to tell him how I felt, but I do remember the after effect. He pulled away from me some, but didn't shy away any farther then that. It was somewhat encouraging.

I remember him asking me when I'd decided all this and whether or not I was gay or bi or whatever. And what about the short demon's sister. I remember him asking that as well. He'd always been a lot more considerate then he let on. I gave him a summary of everything that had lead up to my decision, only elaborating if he asked. The sky had darkened into real night by the time we'd finished talking this over and we'd begun this conversation in the middle of the afternoon. After all was said and done he shrugged that careless way that he does and hugged me close. He explained that he wanted some time to think and got up to leave. I quickly stood, grabbed him, and kissed his lips lightly. When I released him, his eyes were wide, but the barest hint of a smile seem to rest on his lips. He turned and left. That night I dreamed of kissing him that same way after he'd been killed by my blade.

The next morning he came by the apartment I shared with my sister. I'd grown fond of that place over the years. I'm not quite sure why, but I liked it. It would make sense why I like it now, but before there was never any particular reason. My reason for liking it now is that my dear friend reached out and frenched me in the doorway right in front of my sister and whatever nosy neighbors were looking.

Soon after kissing me he said that he felt the same way, that even if he wasn't sure about loving me quite yet he knew that he felt deeply for me and that being intimate just felt right. And we were intimate often over the next few days. We were nearly inseparable spending all of our time trying to expand the new aspect of our already strong relationship. I'm not saying we had sex, though we did eventually, but we were very very close. And of course we cuddled and made out or whatever is appropriate to describe all that we did. I have to admit that it was two weeks of pure bliss.

The reactions of everyone didn't vary much for it seemed they saw this coming before either of us did. The girl who had kissed my lover wasn't depressed by the fact that I had what she once thought to be hers and was very accepting and encouraging. The short one and the fox seemed happy for us as well. My sister found no problems nor did the baby god or the female shinigami. It seemed that only the old master was apprehensive, but she tended to always know more than anyone of the rest of us. But that proved to be her downfall didn't it?

I almost laugh at the way she so foolishly tried to escape her fate. If she knew it was coming why even try to stop it? She didn't even have a chance. But, I digress.

It was last night that my lover and I finally consummated our relationship. I can't say that I was disappointed with the experience, but it definitely wasn't what I'd expected. Be that the fault of a virgin psyche or nearly a years worth of torturous sex dreams I can't be sure. I do remember all of my thoughts falling away as we moved against each other, like each troubling piece of me was expelled through the sweat that covered both our bodies. What the Christian bible referred to as a dirty depraved act was cleansing and satisfying for the two of us. It was the first time in a year that I did not see my lover dead, but full of life and blissful with me. Gone was the blood from my visions replaced with the fluids of our love-making. The look of pained anguished I'd always imagined was instead one of intense pleasure and trust. It's the craziest I've felt in months. To suddenly feel differently from how I'd always felt had to have been a trip into momentary insanity. Each time he thrust into me I could feel myself becoming more and more insane. When he hit that spot inside of me I knew my mind was ripping in two. But the pleasure at that time overcame all and I could feel nothing but.

This morning I awoke in his arms from a blissful, yet insane, sleep in which I dreamt of a future for my lover and I- one where he hadn't died a horrible death by my hands. In my altered state I almost believed that we could have that brilliant looking future. What a joke that was. I still chuckle at the thought now. I slipped out of my bed, for that's where we'd done it, and slipped into a pair of clothes. It wasn't terribly important what I wore that day-today, but I wanted to make it special nevertheless. I put on an outfit that my lover said I looked most attractive and somewhat innocent in- a pair of khaki pants with many pockets on it, and a soft long sleeve, blue shirt that fell to my fingertips. I always believed that death should be symbolic and hoped that I could do it justice.

I smirked at his still sleeping form on the bed and began to put my plan into motion. Not that I had a plan really, but I just knew what I needed to do and how to do it, almost as though someone were leading me. I guess when fate says it's time then all the pieces fall blindly into place. I left a note by the bed telling him to meet me in two hours at the old woman's shrine.

I called up the fox after that also telling him to meet me at the same place. I asked the red haired boy to contact the short one as well. It would be good of everyone to be punctual. I'd thought of inviting the shinigami and the toddler but it didn't quite feel right. My visions didn't often involve them therefore I couldn't see them as being important. My sister I would deal with after I'd taken care of my friends… and the old woman.

I don't doubt that she would've killed me right then and there, but she couldn't. No, it was much too late to be killing me. I wanted to kill her quickly though and sufficed with cutting her down at the knees to begin with. I was fascinated at the way her injured limbs twitched about trying to move properly through the pain. The blood wasn't as much as I'd first expected and I was very glad I'd tried this method on the old woman first. I wanted my friend's deaths to be perfect. I reached into her chest and crushed her heart just to kill her so she would stop looking at me as if she knew everything. I'm sure she did, but then why accost me about it?

I continued to experiment with her body taking notes on the effects of certain cuts or injuries here or there. Obviously I'd have to hit harder and be much quicker with my movements when the time came, but any practice was good practice. I also had to clear away her body and mop up the blood. I still had a deep respect for her despite everything and she did like to keep a clean shrine.

Before I knew it I could feel the short demon's presence at the base of the steps. Soon after the fox arrived and stood next to the other. My lover was the last to arrive, just as I'd hoped and he stood next to the other two. I descended the steps halfway so that I could see them all quite clearly without getting too close.

The fox was the first to ask why they'd been called out on such short notice. I told them it was to celebrate- that it was a party of sorts. Only the angry one seemed to be suspicious of my true intentions though he had no reason to be. It was a party- it still is a party. I'm not sure if he enjoyed it very much, but he should be happy now.

He was the first to go after all. He'd sensed blood on the air when he arrived and wasted no time in asking what I had done. His demon senses managed to close in on what residue remained on my hands. I'd always been a little envious and very impressed with his attention to detail. It's the type of thing that keeps you alive for the most part, but not always.

He'd leapt up the stairs before I could blink and was standing on the step below me, glaring. I smiled down at him gently. His eyes widened a bit and he opened his mouth to speak. I believe he said something like 'you… you're poss-'. I don't know exactly what he was going to say after that because I crushed his windpipe after that. Not enough to kill him, but I had to grip him tight enough to jab my thumb into his vocal chords and silence him once and for all. Maybe he was trying to say 'positive' or 'possibly'. Who can tell now?

I set him down on his feet and let him take in the sight of me one last time. I'd never seen him quite that weak in all the time that I've known him. I think the fox and my dear lover were surprised as well by his display. It was almost funny the way he was gasping trying to make a sound, but was only able to produce a rattling sound. All this time he'd declined to talk and now he wanted to more than ever. How deliciously ironic.

No matter how amusing and fascinating he was standing there before me in pain, it wasn't enough. I had to continue. I drew his body close to mine and turned him around so that he was facing our other two teammates. I held him tightly to my body with one arm. He did squirm a bit, but I snapped his arm in half. It would do neither of us any good if he resisted too much. I think the shock was enough to keep him still for a bit so I took the liberty of removing the white bandage that covered his third eye. It was interesting to look at, sure, but I wanted to see pain on his face- the same pain that he wore when he'd received the eye years ago. I thrust two of my fingers into his eye, a mixture of eye fluid, blood, and power flying forth. What I liked best is that I actually heard him scream. It was magnificent. I never imagined I'd see him so vulnerable to my touch.

The fox and my lover still looked so shocked, I'm sure because of the demon in my arms. I wasn't exactly surprised when the fox came at me, but I didn't expect him to attack so soon. I deflected him of course by running my spirit sword through his midsection. I had to be very exact in my attack, wanting to wound him severely but not kill him. Too much pain now would blind him to the pain I wanted to inflict later and that would have been bad. The fox flew off into the side out of my way, but close for later.

My lover had the strangest look on his face. I'm not sure he knew how to react. To attack or to wait to see if this was all real. So I told him that it was very real and not to worry because I would kill him soon. He continued to stand there, frozen, as I drug my sword up the short demon's inner thigh then repeated the action on his other leg. I only pressed hard enough to draw blood. Of course the sword burnt his flesh as well but almost as an afterthought. I frowned as I realized only one of his arms was broken then broke the other just so it would be even. The short one always tended to be very precise and it was only justice that he die the same way.

At this point I was surprised that he hadn't passed out from pain, which I admire very much. I dug my knee into his lower back, pressing as hard as I could. Tears were leaking from his eyes by then though I'm not sure if it was from the sheer amount of pain or fear. I wouldn't be surprised if it was both. My sword was itching to inflict more damage on his body- his death would be too quick and unimaginative otherwise. My sword pierced the flesh of his abdomen, just above his crotch and made a pathway up to his collarbone. Once again I didn't press down hard enough to pierce an organs or anything. But my energy had become stronger then normal and managed to cut through the demon's collarbone. I did laugh then for it was just too hilarious to see him, both arms broken and nothing to hold them up any longer.

I began to debate with myself whether or not to rip off both of his arms. My thoughts were broken off by my lover's shouts at me to stop. He's so cute when he's angry, or murderous rather. He looked even more irresistible with that conflicted look of fear, hate, betrayal, and love on his face. I smiled gently at him which served to only make him more vocal. I frowned. It wouldn't do if he was too vocal before I got around to killing him so I threw the demon down on the step before me. He'd lost all feeling in his eyes and they were now just releasing tear gem after tear gem. I took my sword and placed it at the base of his spine, right above his ass. My sword slid up his spine so quickly that remnants of my ki hovered just above the wound. He spasmed violently on the ground as his spine burned and melted away, his spinal chord following. He reared up one last time, his eyes impossibly wide and still leaking gems, then collapsed fully on the step. I was sure he would've screamed if he could've. That would've been nice to hear.

Tears had begun to fall from my lover's eyes. It excited me. I'd been waiting to see this face again, waiting so long. He stumbled forward trying to approach me but I think he knew I wouldn't let him. Besides what could he have done to stop me now? The fox was a mere feet away and my love would have to climb to reach me. That is if he could reach me.

I turned to look at the fox and was glad to see that he'd rolled onto his stomach and was facing me. He had to have seen his friend's final moments. How exciting it was knowing that everything was going well. Well everything expect my lover's reactions- not that they weren't desirable, I just didn't want him to react so quickly. I'd have to finish quickly so I sped over to the fox and grabbed him by the hair. Just running my finger's through his silken locks gave me an idea and I threw him up the stairs where his head connected with one of the concrete steps. I looked down at my hands and found a large chunk of red locks trapped between my fingers.

I climbed up the steps more than eager to continue. The look on his face was so beautiful, as the fox always was. I could see him struggling to collect himself so that he could transform to his demon self. I gave him that chance only trailing my sword close to his limbs, but never touching. Once he'd become his white haired self I backed away to see what he would do.

His claws came at me first, reaching for my exposed throat. I dodged of course and twisted his hand a full 360 degrees, effectively snapping his wrist. And what a nice snapping sound it made. Clear and crisp just as it should be. This side of the fox was used to that sort of pain, though so I knew I'd have to be much more creative.

He'd managed to bring himself to his feet and stood above me bringing his whip to his good hand. The whip lashed out at me faster than his arm had been so that I was cut on my cheek. The fox was sloppy in his execution today, probably from grief that his best friend had died. I could see the desperation setting in his eyes. When the whip came for my face a second time I blocked it with my sword and, incidentally, snapping it. Shock was the prevailing emotion on the fox's face then. I'd never been able to do that before, but a year always changes people.

I smiled at him and stepped forward raising my sword and shoving it through his shoulder. As I pulled my sword out his body fell backwards and blood dripped from the wound. I pushed him back into the steps and loomed over him, still smiling the whole way. He had very pretty ears as a demon, not that his entire form wasn't gorgeous, but his ears made him ethereal I believe. Of course I couldn't waste any idea dealing with those and I ripped them clean off of his head. What surprised me was the amount of blood that erupted from the wounds and the scream that I ripped from his throat. I'd finally proven just how sensitive a fox's ears were.

I liked the desperate sounds he was making and I knew I'd have to keep him screaming like that so I reached for the remainder of his whip. The thorns dug into the palm of my hand, but I didn't mind. I backed away from the writhing fox so as to lift up his legs. I gave a short bark of laughter at the thought of what I was about to do. That was the fox's only warning before I shoved the thorned foliage up his ass. If anything he screamed louder than before which lead me to wonder if it was all out of pain. No, it couldn't have been just pain because it couldn't have hurt that bad. I found it amazing that he still felt shame even after all this- after his world was practically over he couldn't let go of his pride. Normally I'd admire that quality and this morning wasn't any different. Even as I thrust the vine viciously in and out of his entrance I felt proud that I knew him.

I put my sword away and focused my energy into a small dagger. I took this dagger and began to trace patterns across Kurama's face and down to his chest. The patterns were to ensure that he looked beautiful even in death. It's very important that he remain as he was in life. It was important that they all remain that way no matter what. I paused in my intricate designs to watch as the blood dripped from him and began to trail down the steps. I was quite surprised he hadn't died from blood loss yet, but he was in his demon form so that must have been the reason why he remained alive.

His screams had died down eventually and all he could do was whimper weakly. He'd just about given up and returned to his human form only serving to make his pain even more exquisite. I pulled out the broken off piece of his whip and moved the dagger away. I looked down at his broken and sobbing form for a few minutes later before calling forth my full sword again. I remember telling him how much I'd admired him and I could see the incredulity in his eyes as I spoke. I then took my sword and shoved it deep inside his blood-coated hole, the energy from my sword instantly burning him from the inside out. I'd probably burned right through his prostate and on up. I removed my sword, got up and turned to face the bottom of the steps. I was done with the short one and the fox leaving me with only my lover to kill.

In the time I'd spent with the fox, my dear had managed to climb the steps slowly for he was nearly frozen with disbelief and betrayal. I had to tell him- had to explain to him that I hadn't betrayed them at all. This was always what was supposed to happen. Always.

He'd reached the step directly below me and I smiled down at him. He had the sweetest look on his face- terror and anguish all mixed into one. I loved it. I'd waited over a year to see it in real life.

He punched me. Out of all the things I'd expected him to do, this was the one I wanted most. My face whipped to the side from the force and blood trickled out of my mouth. I slowly turned my head back around, grinning all the way.

"My Yusuke", I said, "How long I've waited for this moment." My words seemed to anger him and he attacked. He attacked me not with his spirit energy, not with any weapon of any kind. He attacked me with his soul. The soul of a true fighter. This is how I wanted him to die, at his peak fighting performance. It was just appropriate- just too right to not be.

I retaliated of course for it would have been no fun for either of us had I just stood there. I think a good half an hour passed of us fighting to the death. By the end of it all we were both badly beaten and bruised and had probably cracked a bone or two, but it felt good. This fight felt pure and innocent. Just two boys fighting with their bodies till they gave out. It was natural and beautiful.

"Kuwa," he panted, "Why?" He looked so distraught and tears were streaming down his face. All I could do was smile at him.

"Because my dear Yusuke, this was what I was born to do. I have always had to do this." I stepped closer to him and there must have been something that changed in my appearance for his eyes widened and he let down his guard. "It doesn't matter what I have done here today or that you will die soon. All that matters is that I love you with all my heart. I always have and I always will." I had brought him close to me, his face crushed against my chest. "Always." I placed my hand on his back and let the energy come till a small bit of it formed in my palm. It wasn't much, but it was enough to pierce through his flesh and touch his heart. His heart exploded in his chest and eh only had time to gasp out 'Kuwa' before he died in my arms.

He was so beautiful dead, his face twisted up not only in shock, but in intense sadness. There is no way to explain it in words, but he was irresistible. I cradled him to my chest, tilted up his face and kissed him deeply. My tongue couldn't help but travel around in his slack mouth. As I pulled away I could taste blood, some of it having trailed out of his mouth.

"I love you Yusuke… always…"

That leads up to where I am now, sitting on the stone steps still cradling my lover's body. He looks so innocent in his death. Innocent and pure and everything he always should have been. My Yusuke… I… I miss you…

Ah! What is this pain that I feel? What is happening to my body- my mind! It feels as though someone is tearing away from my very soul! Every pore burns with pain.

"Well done Kazuma, you handled this better than I expected."

Through the blinding pain I can hear a voice- speaking to me, I think.

"I'm so glad I picked you out of all of them for, you see, no one ever expected you to be strong enough. No, not you with all your morals and your honor. Not the weak B class human." I can hear the voice chuckle. I am still in pain and unable to make out his form. "Now, dear Kazuma, I will release you entirely and let you see what you have done."

The pain suddenly faded away. I can see now, I think. I blink a few times and shake my head to get my bearings back. I look down at my lap. I think I'm screaming now. I can't tell for sure but it feels like my throat is ripping in two.

I can't believe I-

Yusuke I-

Oh my god! Kurama, Hiei, Yusuke!

I can feel tears running down my face, but it's not enough. Nothing can express how I feel now. I have betrayed them all. I have done the one thing I always told myself I'd never do. I'd told my self I'd never kill my friends. Always my friends would outlive me. Always, always, always. So why were they dead? How could I?

Yusuke, Yusuke, Yusuke. You can't forgive me, I know you can't. Never forgive me, but know that I love you. My Yusuke, I've always loved you…

----------

"How long has he been like this now?"

"I'd say about two weeks before you returned."

Silence.

"Just two weeks?"

"Yes."

"Oh, Kuwabara, why couldn't you have waited, just waited two more weeks?"

"It's not his fault Yusuke."

"I know Kurama, it's mine. I should've never left." Yusuke sobbed against the window of a white room in which his best friend sat curled up in the corner, muttering to himself. Kurama stood behind him, a hand gripping his shoulder as much in comfort as in anger at his own self. Hiei stood a little ways down the hall not saying anything but refusing to look into the room. A smattering of tear gems lay about his feet. Shizuru had her back to the window and was sobbing quietly.

"Kuwabara!" Yusuke slammed his fist against the window. "Why Kuwabara?" He sobbed louder and rested his head against the window. "I said I'd always come back for you, always!"

Kuwabara's mutterings grew louder in response to the beating on the window and his words now reached his friends and family who stood outside.

"My fault… can't believe… I'm sorry Yusuke… sorry I killed you… sorry Kurama… sorry Hiei… don't forgive… you can't…"

"Kuwabara!" They all knew Yusuke's shouts were only making the boy inside agitated but it was what they all wanted to do. They wanted to shout at him- to somehow bring him back from the insanity he'd fallen into.

Soon Kuwabara's mutterings matched the volume of Yusuke's screams and a group of orderlies and nurses rushed into the room. They grabbed at the now struggling boy and were trying to push him onto his bed. A nurse held out a syringe filled with a liquid that would no doubt sedate the boy but do little else.

"Kuwabara…", Yusuke whispered, his tears smeared across the glass.

"I _always_ loved you."

---------

i'm very sorry about all of that. don't kill me and flame if you wanna. swt Jesus loves you. XO uh, the song that inspired me to right this can be found(or at least the lyrics can) at the Erasure InformationService or by going to google and searching for'Always' andclicking the lyrics by Erasure.downloadtheirmusic or purchase itfromhalf price books.it's awesome, really it is.

in case anyone is wondering, i do write happy yusukexkuwa stuff and you can find my other stuff under my name. i will write request for happy stuff if you want it... or more stuff like this if you want it... la. wear a bikini.


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